Headlines From the Year 2034

• Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the 7th largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.
• White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
• Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
• Baby conceived naturally - Scientists stumped.
• Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
• Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in Bushra; the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
• Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
• France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
• Castro finally dies at age 115; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
• George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
• Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
• Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
• Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
• Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
• Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
• Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
• New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
• Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
• Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
• IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.